Jokes

40 Gypsies died in a massive crash on the motorway and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in.

He said that he didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had room for 5, so they should go away and think about who would come in.

A short while later St Peter went to see God and said 'They've gone!'

God replied, 'What, the Pikeys?'

'No....... the F*cking gates !!!!'

spur'don wrote:

40 Gypsies died in a massive crash on the motorway and went to heaven.

You lost me at that point, I'm afraid - a wholly unlikely scenario.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle,' he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates,' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said, 'You may pass through the pearly gates.'

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carol's.'

A blonde walks into Comet and says "How much is that tv?" and the man replies "Sorry, we don't serve blondes." So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown and goes back the next day and says "How much is that tv?" and the man replies "Sorry we don't serve blondes." So she goes out and dyes her hair purple and goes back the next day and says
"Excuse me, how much is the tv" and the man says "Sorry we don't serve blondes" and the women says "How the hell do you know that I am a blonde?" and the man replies
"Because that's not a tv, its a microwave."

Boom boom.

Three men, an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. When he returned he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bum. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Irishman glanced around behind and said, "... B'jesus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at
the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,
looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and
says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I
saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
"I got it on with your grandma and she
is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get
really mad but the biker still says nothing .
The drunk leans on the table one more time and
says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your
grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the
drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes
and says.
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk !"