Nuns

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

"That's okay" the nun says, "I lied too, my name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party"

Luv it Baz,

Why do I bother posting jokes when all we need is Ian G's smileys...

Two nuns driving down a deserted highway late at night when out jumps the Devil

'AAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!" the devil screams into the windscreen

"Oh my my, what are we to do" says the first nun

"Lean out of the window and show him your cross" replies the second.

First nun winds down the window, leans out and shouts

"Fuck off you pointy eared prick!!"

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?". "No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not". "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin."

what d'ya call a nun that walks in her sleep?

a roaming catholic

boom boom

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their new habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

A team of Special Forces Nuns are on a covert mission in enemy territory. They come under heavy arms fire and the whole team is wiped out before you can say Hail Mary.

Soon they find themselves at the Pearly Gates where they are stopped and disarmed by Saint Peter.

"The good news", says Saint Peter, "Is that you can all come in. Also I can give you all Special VIP Passes if I can establish that you have kept to your vows of chastity."
Ignoring the nervous muttering and whispered cursing coming from the nuns, Saint Peter continues, "For example have any of you ever touched a man's penis?"

Sister Bunny steps up to Peter's desk and leans forward so that he can clearly see the concealed revolver that he missed earlier hidden underneath her vest top.

"Listen" says Sister Bunny, "I once touched a man's penis with my finger, right."
"You're not going to make a big fuss about it are you?" she says, looking pointedly down her vest top.

"Nope." says Saint Peter, who was not up for a fire fight today. "Why don't you just stick the offending finger in this bowl of holy water and we'll say no harm done."

Sister Bunny obliges and goes through the Pearly Gates throwing a "You're all screwed" grin back at the other nuns.

Next, Sister Sherry walks up and immediately starts washing her hands in the holy water. "I once held a man's penis in the palm of my hand." she tells Saint Peter. She shoulder barges past him, her empty uzi clanging on the Pearly Gates as she enters.

There is a commotion at the back of the group of the remaining nuns and Sister Misty pushes her way to the front. She approaches Saint Peter, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Hey, if I've got to gargle with that water I want to do it before Sister Foxxy washes her arse."

COME ON YOU SPUUUUURRRRRRRSSSSSSSS

haha...brilliant!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading Sisters of Mercy. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in peace. You have been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.