The confessional is now open......

Brothers and Sisters, we are gathered here today to declare unto the Lord Ramos, that we, weak of flesh and of mind, might have items under our roof that are........red in colour. Please, please, hush my children, gather your thoughts and remember we are in a place of worship.

Let us not forget the time one of our own flock, young Samuel, only a few days ago wore an Arsena1 shirt. He attempted to reverse the curse by wearing it inside out, yet still the demon known as 'Wenger' pierced his flesh and dove deep within his soul. It was only after the exorcism, which involved playing the angelic records of Chas and Dave whilst rubbing in oil scraped from Ramon Vega's inner thigh, was the devil cast asunder.

And now, I ask that you bring forth your sins to be absolved....I shall start.........I have Strawberry jam in the fridge and red cushions on my sofa.....for pennance I shall say 2 Hail Hoddle's and 3 Angelic Alan Neilsens. Berbatov be with you, go in peace.....

Now, who be next?

there's a red button on my remote control and the hot tap in the bathroom has a red 'H' on it.

And I think my son has red superman pants

Bless you my son, say three choral Chiedozies and one sacred Samways, you are forgiven.

Forgive me my sins oh mighty Bennyone, but I have had cursed reds tomatoes in my fridge. They have now been cast asunder and the fridge has been verily cleansed. From now it shall be yellow tomatoes from Great only and never more shall I squirt ketchup upon my burgers but shall plead for more mustard instead.

Verily my son, tis a sin to have anything red inside a machine of purest white. You have started the healing process by casting said fruits/vegetables asunder, but you will still need to say 2 Hallelujah Howells and 1 Angelic Austin. Ramos be with you.

Forgive me Father Bennycat for I have sinned. One red fridge magnet and a case of Rose Champers.

Forgive me Padre Gato, I have a jar of raspberry jam in the fridge and a red ballpoint pen.

Forgive me Lord Bennycat, for I have a shitload of coke in my fridge

Young Ezza, Our Lord Ramos opines that thou must pour the acursed liquid into the gutter where it belongs and dispose of the fridge magnet by using a cloth (so as not to touch it's heathen colour) and a fuck off big hammer (verily he was angry, the Lord Ramos does not take this sort of thing lightly). You will be absolved of all sins if thou'st then says 2 Beautific Bertis and 2 Gracious Ginolas. Ramos be with you.

DannyBoy, thou'st must cast said pen into the desert where it can no longer taint the pure white of the A4 with it's impure red, and then hurl the jam at a passing red taxi. The Lord Ramos will protect thee when one is arrested by the filth. Except in the prison showers, Lord Ramos does not go in for that sort of thing. Say one Holy Huddlestone and three Saintly Stewarts. Ramos be with you.

Young James, the Lord Ramos has spoken and thou must pore the liquid down the sink, so that it creates a tidal wave, much like the one that out Lord Ramos created to drown the filthy gunners who were pursuing the faithful yids across that sea or river, you know the one in the bible,he can't remember the name, anyway, the one where they all drowned. Then kick the cans out from under your roof whilst intoning the 'Abedayor' song. After that cloak yourself in white and wander around Central, arms aloft, proclaiming to all..'5-1, we beat the Scum 5-1'. Ramos be with you.

James wrote:

Forgive me Lord Bennycat, for I have a shitload of coke in my fridge

Nice one, when's the party Tony Montana?

Padre BC, I have some strawberries in my fridge and a red button on my remote control. Nothing else is red, I never eat jam, I eat marmalade instead. My blood is blue as I am of royal Portuguese lineage.

However, I have a religious dilemna. I have a towel which is not red but it is the "blackberry" colour of the Accursed Beelzebub's team that they wore on their last season at The Library. Should this towel be cast asunder?

I haven't laughed so much since Nayim scored from the half way line.

Young Janek, you are right to call for guidance on this matter. Let me ask you this my son, dos thou think that our Lord Ramos have a scarlet coloured duvet cover upon his king sized bed? Does the Prophet Poyet lavish his newly made 'Smash' potatoes with ribbons of red sauce? Does the prodigal son, Ledley, dilute his ribena and then settle down on a red beanbag to watch 'Red Dwarf'? You and I know both know the answer, it is pure and simply, no frikkin way.
If you are having doubts about anything under your roof then it is best to err on the side of caution. It troubles me that you can even consider sheltering this vile garb you mention. To repent you must say 5 Holy Hazards and three Angelic Archibalds.
Ramos be with you.

Thank you Padre, bless me for I have sinned. I will dispose of this item immediately.

Bless me oh mighty one for I have sinned BIG STYLEE!!!
Last night I went out with a man. He is a Liverpool supporter. I was wearing red nail varnish and a red lacy bra. (it did look really nice tho) And my diary is the colour of sin. Oh my, what have I done?...... Please help guide me to a sinless life where all is white and blue.

LoubyLou wrote:

Bless me oh mighty one for I have sinned BIG STYLEE!!!
Last night I went out with a man. He is a Liverpool supporter. I was wearing red nail varnish and a red lacy bra. (it did look really nice tho) And my diary is the colour of sin. Oh my, what have I done?...... Please help guide me to a sinless life where all is white and blue.

I think the Padre will agree with me that this lacy bra needs to be inspected carefully to calculate how much sin is present. It shd therefore be worn to the next match at Delaneys.

Silence Cur! The Lord Ramos shall smite thee from a great height! Young Louby, this doth trouble me greatly. However there is light at the end of the tunnel. The under garment and nail polish can be dealt with easily,just leave them by the back door of the church, knock twice and leave quickly. No more shall be said of it, I shall 'dispose' of them in mine own way.
That leaves the aforementioned 'man' that you frequented bars of ill repute with last night. Can yee not find a proud upstanding follower of our Lord Ramos to take care of your 'needs'? Verily woman, let us look at the flock and pick a fine ram out for you to frolic with....hmmm.....why, there's Dannyboy...(no, he was tackled by a girl and is said to be 'good with colours')....how about Daniel...(ah, he has glands the size of a mouses tongue, that will not do).....erm....Janek? (I fear not, his organs are bespoilt after too many champagne brunches)....I feel the best you can do is say 5 Pentecostal Perrymans and 2 Victorious Villas and hope your bindipper sees the error of his ways. Ramos be with you.

Bennycat wrote:

how about Daniel...(ah, he has glands the size of a mouses tongue, that will not do)......

Brilliant.

DannyBoy wrote:

Bennycat wrote:

how about Daniel...(ah, he has glands the size of a mouses tongue, that will not do)......

Brilliant.

'Tis verily true. I have overheard Daniel describing his glands as "like a penis, only smaller".

Are nominations for the best SiHK forum thread open yet?

This has to be the most random thread

It troubles me that a large amount of SiHK have not reponded to this post. One feels that they are hiding items that could be deemed 'red in colour'. One would hate to let slip the dogs of war to root out these sinners. Beware the midnight knock on the door, no-one expects the White Hart Lane Inquisition!

Nominations for funnniest thread are already closed.

This one is a certified slice of fried gold.