Newcastle Review

Guardian Unlimited writers' prediction: 6th Odds: 250-1

Sometimes, the laughing has to stop. For Newcastle United, the comedy club of the Premiership (some might cite Manchester City, but they've always done a nicer line in tragicomedy), that time has come. We may think that Newcastle are simply here to amuse us, but Sam Allardyce will warm to that idea about as much as Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Funny? Funny how?

The external perception of Newcastle is not all that is going to change. The club's fans pride themselves on the quality of their football; not anymore. While Allardyce's Bolton were never quite as insultingly direct as received wisdom had it, there is no question that he will prioritise substance over style every time. Behind that booming, gregarious laugh lies a very shrewd, serious manager, who will stop at nothing to achieve success. He didn't win a trophy at Bolton but, in real terms, his achievements were worth at least a couple of doubles. If Allardyce cannot end Newcastle's 38-year trophy drought, nobody can.

It is a long-term project, of course, and a top-half finish with a decent cup run would do for this season. But there is no doubt that Allardyce's ethos is anathema to the romantic values of the club in modern times; a culture could not change so dramatically if Jeremy Paxman started presenting Big Brother. Forget what you know, or what you think you know, about Newcastle United. Everything is up for grabs. Allardyce will probably even ban fans from going topless.

He certainly won't allow his team to be as naked at the back. In a revolutionary development, he has bought three real defenders this summer and will surely put an end to the lamentable, however-many-they-concede-we'll-concede-one-more culture fostered under Kevin Keegan. Titus Bramble was always a little unjustly maligned, but he was the poster boy for Newcastle's slapstick defence and it was hugely significant that Allardyce got rid of him in his first day in the job, a symbolic gesture to match the removal of the 'Comedy' from the 'Mark Thomas Comedy Product'.

Now the club will have an almost entirely new defence - new to the Premiership, never mind the club - and while that carries obvious acclimatisation risks (although Allardyce, smartly, has said he will phase them in one by one), Allardyce's success in spotting the likes of Tal Ben Haim and Radhi Jaidi has earned him enough slack when it comes to buying defenders, especially when they have a pedigree as good as that of Claudio Caçapa, an ultra-experienced Brazilian international who won six titles in a row at Lyon, David Rozehnal, Paris Saint Germain's Player of the Year last season, and the Spain Under-21 left-back José Enrique.

The quality of Allardyce's signings further forward is not in dispute: Mark Viduka, Geremi Njitap, Joey Barton and Alan Smith are all proven at this level, and after taming El-Hadji Diouf and others, Allardyce should have few problems even with Barton. If anything, his biggest concern - apart from rumours of a frosty relationship with the new owner Mike Ashley - is that he now has too many cooks. The depth of the squad is startling (a second XI might be: Harper, Carr, Taylor, Ramage, Babayaro, Dyer, Butt, Emre, Duff, Martins, Luque), and there is more chance of correctly predicting when Allardyce will next talk to the BBC than what his team will be for the opening game at Bolton. It is an entirely clean slate, especially as Allardyce's healing hands have the ability to find life in the deadest of wood: in pre-season, even Albert Luque has looked the part. And that, as any Newcastle fan would tell you, really is funny.

In: Mark Viduka (Middlesbrough - free), Joey Barton (Manchester City - £5.8m), David Rozenhal (PSG - £2.9m) Geremi Njitap (Newcastle - free), Alan Smith (Manchester United - £6m), Claudio Caçapa (Lyon - free), José Enrique (Villarreal - £6.3m).

Out: Titus Bramble (Wigan - free), Antoine Sibierski (Wigan - free), Scott Parker (Newcastle - £7m), Alan O'Brien (Hibernian - free).